Can you show me

Can you show me how to use the Internet?
I’d better - otherwise you’ll just go round
and round in circles.

I never thought that

I never thought that
the Internet was very useful,
but now I’ve changed my mind.
Let’s hope your new one works better
then the one you had before.

Online banking

TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?

CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man.
I was wondering if you offer online banking?

TECH: We’re an Internet service provider, ma’am.
You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.

CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?

TECH: You just need the modem in your computer.
That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account,
and sign up for online banking with your bank.

CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?

TECH: I’m not sure I understand?

CUSTOMER: You know…Does the money come out
from that slot on the computer?

The Net is Slow

The Net is Slow
Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it’s so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

It doesn’t show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

When we finally connect to a site,
It’s time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.

The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we’re still denying,
But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

Birth Internet Mails Children Firewalls

A little boy goes to his father
and asks “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers: “Well son,
I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.

Your mum and I got
together in a chat room at Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with
your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room,
I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy
and then your mum agreed to do a download
from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:

“You’ve got Male!”

Talking Clock

While proudly showing off
his new fraternity house to friends,
a college student led the way into the den.
“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?”
one of his friends asked.

“That’s the talking clock”,
the man replied, with a grin.
“Let me show you how it works!”
And with that, he gave the gong an
ear-shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other
side of the wall, “KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERKS! IT’S 2 AM!”

The farmer and his wife had worked hard

The farmer and his
wife had worked hard,
they scrimped and saved
to send their son to college.
As soon as he had enrolled,
he started to grow a beard.
Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns.
Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment,
he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled,
“How do you like it? Don’t I look like a count?”

Shortly after, the son received this terse note:
“You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college,
and you can’t even spell!”

Contribution

Even though I was an
engineering student at
the University of Maryland,
chemistry was a required course in my day.
The Professor, on the first day of class,
asked everyone to name the most outstanding
contribution chemistry had made to society.

When my turn came, I answered, “Blondes!”

Lots of things go on during

Lots of things go on during
“spring break” as the college
students let off a little steam.
This one student was arrested for
indecent exposure in a field near the beach,
and was appearing before a judge.
“I plead not guilty, Your Honor.
I only went there to get relieved,” he testified.

“Well, I’m inclined to accept your explanation.” said the judge.

“I guess some allowances must be made for ‘emergencies’.”

“That’s true to a point, Your Honor,” said the arresting officer.
“But what about this young lady here who relieved him?”

predict the future

A teacher asked one of the boys in her class,
“Can people predict the future with cards?”

His response was, “My mother can.”

The teacher replied, “Really?”

The young boy was quick to explain,
“Yes, she takes one look at my report
card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.”